Immediately upon accession, the Ministry bans the following throughout the Imperium:
Food, Drink, and other Consumed Substances
Be it known unto all that while The Ministry recognizes that convenience sometimes requires a diminishing of taste, the following products sacrifice taste to an unacceptable degree:
1. Cheez Whiz
2. Velveeta
3. Fruity Wines. e.g. White Zinfandel
Clothing and other Personal Wear
Be it known unto all that The Ministry accepts that not everyone can suitably don the latest fashion, but the following items corrupt the very notion of personal decoration:
1. Acid-washed jeans
2. Princess Diana engagement ring replicas
3. Jogging Sweats with Kittens or other cute animals
4. Holiday sweaters (submitted by Undersecretary Doug)
Dwellings
Be it known unto all that The Ministry believes that cultivation of a variety of tastes in everything, even one’s domicile, as essential to a vigorous culture. The following, however, do not reflect favorably upon the collective tastes of the Imperium, and are henceforth banned:
1. Large homes on small lots in massive subdivisions sometimes referred to as “McMansions.”
2. Large homes designed to mimic Italian, Spanish, or French-style villas, sometimes referred to as “Tuscanasaurs”
3. Mobile homes set up as permanent dwellings. Those intended as temporary dwellings to relieve victims of natural disasters will remain, so long as they are used for no longer than five (5) years.
Decorations, Furnishings and Objets D’Art
Be it known unto all that The Ministry strives to educate everyone on the importance of simplicity in the selection of interior décor and other objects, and considers the following as blight on the general aesthetic:
1. Kitschy Gifts, e.g. The Singing Bass
2. Wal-mart Suspension Chair
3. Garish colors on anything
4. Anything sold by Rooms to Go
5. Cherub Wax Fountains
6. Plastic Flowers
7. Anything sold as "Commemorative" or "Collectible."
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| We left our caves and embraced civilization for THIS? |
Works of Literature, Music, Performance, Theatre, and Cinema
Be it known unto all that The Ministry desires the utmost creativity, dynamism and care in the production of literary, musical, and visual works. The Ministry finds the following works anathema to the cultural standards of the Imperium:
1. All works by Robert Zemeckis
2. All works by Tom Hanks made after Busom Buddies
a. The Imperium invokes Executive Privilege on behalf of Saving Private Ryan
3. All works by Julia Roberts
4. All works by Meg Ryan
5. All works by Kevin Costner
6. All works by Gwyneth Paltrow
7. All works by Cameron Diaz
8. All works by Keanu Reeves
9. All works by Sandra Bullock
10. All works by Katherine Heigl
11. Memoirs or autobiographies written by anyone under the age of 40, except in cases where the author lived under unusual or dire circumstances, e.g. a concentration camp.
12. All works written by Sarah Palin, her immediate family, or descendants, to the end of time.
Grandfather Clause
The Imperium demands the immediate destruction of anything listed on the Index, with suitable time to repair and/or compensation provided to those in possession of prohibited items.
