Seeking a Solid Lead -- 2012.06.30

Yesterday I handled about three or four calls. Putting a resume on dice.com and/or careerbuilder.com generated something. So far nothing has matched perfectly. Clients have a notorious sense of pickiness about such things -- very likely, they have someone lined up but have to satisfy HR or maybe they're making sure their favorite has a competitive compensation.

Looked for a very long time at a new header for The Kenth Degree. http://byreese.com/headers/

Today applied for a job at EA. But mostly played SWTOR.

And searched for termites.

Seeking Competence -- 2012.06.28

Sorry, my few fans for leaving you alone for so long. I'd love to tell you how productive my job search has been but I've only applied to 4 jobs since last Friday. Maybe a couple more I didn't record. I created some more bumper stickers though (and raised my prices on them too!)

Last night I was watching a repeat of "Restaurant Impossible" -- about a sports bar in Delaware -- and one of the partners was a CPA would had not bothered to review the restaurant's books! I'd never try to run a restaurant, but if I did, it would be a little more hands-on than that.

A recruiter from a previous employer contacted me about a job. I went to his website and found a salary survey. I passed the survey around to my co-workers.

Man, it feels good to be a gangster.

Seeking Confidence -- 2012.06.22

I applied for a couple of jobs but with a twist -- I actually wrote cover letters.

Here's a sample -- just remember -- I'm confident, you're cocky, he's arrogant.

And Always Be Closing...

Thank you for your consideration. I have been practicing configuration management for eight years, mostly in a Java / Unix environment.
During that time, I have brought order to chaotic situations. My mastery of configuration / source control tools extends to CVS, CA Harvest, and Subversion. Hire me and I will master MKS also.
Beyond acting as an code librarian, I also trained users, designed the change workflow, deployed releases to various environments, installed plug-ins to IDEs, and troubleshot problems that rushed developers inevitably create -- they're smart, but don't always understand merging code without practice. I understand branching and merging. Hire me and your team will understand them before I'm through if they don't already.
You may already have a candidate in mind, which is not unusual in IT, especially when dealing with a high-end platform such as MKS. But if you don't, then let's talk. And then hire me.
PS -- I also manage to save people money from time to time. Please see the "Accomplishments" section on my resume.

Seeking Bob -- 2012.06.21

Finally, finally, found the time to read some the Church of the SubGenius. Could have used this ten years ago...

Once again, last night, I found myself reacting harshly to lengthy job application guantlets. So I wrote up a set of questions for hiring managers. I will send it to any job listing that demands an extraordinary amount of data from me before considering me for their "competitively compensated" "position".

---

Application for Hiring Managers


I hope this application finds you well. You’re probably quite busy sorting through a stack of resumes looking for someone qualified and likeable. If it’s any consolation, a typical candidate reviews several hundred job postings before deciding to apply to a single one – unless they’re truly desperate.

Based on decades of personal experience, research, and listening to others, I’ve discovered a gap in the hiring process that this application should bridge. By now, your company knows quite a bit about me – name, address, phone number, work history, education background, credit score, maybe blood type. But I know very little about you.

Sure, I know your company or at least what your company wants me to know through your website. But what about you, the hiring manager -- what do you look for in a candidate?

Instead of waiting for the interview stage to determine if we can engage in a mutually beneficial exchange, we can save considerable time and effort if you will answer the following questions.

Please complete all questions – skipping questions leaves open the possibility that you’re hiding something.


1) The perfect candidate fits the following general profile:

a. Smart, ambitious, and hard-working – but not too smart or ambitious.

b. Compliant and focused on the task at hand – except when creativity and divergent thinking are needed, as determined by me.

c. Is bright, creative, iconoclastic, and productive – until they threaten my position and I have to fire them.

d. Is a total slacker – they are the bricks in the wall of my empire.


2) The perfect candidate has the following level of life experience:

a. Will believe anything, including the possibility of a bright future with my company.

b. Has been burned a few times by previous employers, is older and wiser, but still has hope.

c. Is a total burnout, whose hopes and dreams have been crushed beyond recognition.

d. Has a level of cynicism and political skill that would scare Josef Stalin.



3) The perfect candidate has the following level of experience relative to the job requirements:

a. Invented every technology upon which the job is based.

b. Has every listed skill and can execute them better than the previous candidate.

c. Has every listed skill and is willing to work for less than the previous candidate.

d. Does not have every listed skill but might be related to someone up my chain of command.

e. Does not have every listed skill but might be good in the sack.



4) If you answered either “a” or “b” to Question 3, why do you feel a candidate would accept a lateral transfer?

a. I answered “a”, “b” or “c” to Question 2.

b. They also lost their previous job.



5) Our vetting process finds the perfect candidate using the following techniques:

a. Voice stress analysis to determine truthfulness and level of enthusiasm.

b. A multi-phase process using “star chamber” gang interviews to break the candidate’s resolve and get a lower salary request.

c. Candidate must join hotornot.com – we let the internet decide.

d. Submission of blood, urine, hair, and stool samples. We also demand your Facebook password.

e. We Google your name.

f. Brain teasers – because Friday was the horse’s name, you stupid twit!



6) Our compensation package and work environment competes well with the following:

a. China.

b. India.

c. Prison.

d. A cemetery.



7) What is the make-or-break quality of the perfect candidate?

a. Their salary requirements.

b. Their salary requirements.

c. Their salary requirements.

d. Their salary requirements.

Seeking a Break

Searching for jobs has made me goofy. Time to take a break. Here's a job posting that obviously reveals someone has a communication problem.

IMPATIENT MEICAL CODER 

I believe they meant "Inpatient Medical Coder." Can't you just hear the eliding of the "d" in medical? And does "impatient" describe the ideal candidate or the work environment?

Epic Ambulatory Analyst

Reminds me of a Seinfeld joke about grandiose brands such as "Life" cereal or "All" detergent. Imagine bringing up this job title on a date, "I'm not just any analyst, but an Epic Ambulatory Analyst." Not only can the analyst walk, but walk epic-ally.

Meanwhile, The Snark Tank's line of witty bumper stickers continues to grow.

Also playing around with Python.

Thought of an idea -- teach people how to drive stick (from my lessons with the kid.)

Also keep thinking about what kind of connections I can make.

More Seeking -- 2012.06.18

Messed up the chronology yesterday but it's straight now.

Applied for 2 jobs with my company. One of which was automatically deemed "Not Qualified."

Spoke to a recruiter who had my resume from Careerbuilder.

Also returned an email from a recruiter in Nashville.

Applied to 1 other job on Careerbuilder -- for a job in a beach town in FL.

Seeking -- 2012.06.17

Today I mostly screwed off. Fixed the Jetta -- mostly -- from yesterday's teaching adventure. Didn't realize that jerking the clutch could actually loosen lug bolts. Also loosened the brake caliper bolts.

The missus gave me a book for Dad's Day -- The $100 Startup by Chris Guillebeau. So far it's enjoyable.

Also reading Full-Bore Sheet Metal by Mark Prosser and Bryan Fuller.

Reading these books has given me an idea...

Applied for 1 job on Careerbuilder.

Seeking Stuff - 2012.06.16

You the faithful reader may have noticed a short gap in my posting. Let's just say we've had distractions.

Today I took my girlfriend's son out to learn how to drive stick. If we measure his pass / fail ration as one would a batting average, he didn't do too well. But he was improving by the end.

Which itself was pretty interesting. First the line broke to the oil pressure gauge. In an unusual lack of preparation, I failed to bring any tools or even duct tape. But kinking the line a few times stemmed the leakage. So we called it a day.

Then the shift mechanism failed. It seemed to have worked loose, so I could only engage second gear.

At least there's something for me to do next weekend...

Also spoke to a recruiter last Thursday. A friend of a friend of my stepbro. Nice to get some helping hands.

Applied for a few jobs -- the exact number escapes me.

I gave up on two jobs (North Fulton Hospital / TENET and Sterling Insurance) because they wanted a resume AND required filling out lengthy, barely readable web forms. If companies want to keep people out or beat them into submission by the application gauntlet, they should try that tactic.

I did put up some more bumper stickers...

Seeking -- 2012.06.12

Applied for 1 job on Careerbuilder.

Watched a training video on LTE at my job. Hope springs eternal.

Tinkered with my CafePress website -- The Snark Tank. Time to crank out another bumper sticker. Done.

http://www.cafepress.com/thesnarktank

Seeking Something -- 2012.06.11

Looks like some new RF Engineering jobs came up that now require a little experience. Must have gotten tired of reading so many resumes...

I sent Tire Kingdom a message about what I noticed at NTB last weekend.

Applied for 1 job at my company.

Spoke with a recruiter today. Will meet with his people on Thursday.

Applied for 1 job on Careerbuilder.

Time to raff on a Seth Godin riff --

1. Lack of focus might be my greatest weakness.
2. Had some friends from high school who went to the same college but they left me in the dust. And met some other friends in college but lost touch.
3. Don't know what it is.
4. See #1.
5. Never tried self-invitation. My improvisation on that riff is to pass along stuff I can't do to others who might be able to make it work.
6. Most of my work has been mediocre at best. When it's been above average it's usually sabotaged my chance at promotion -- there's a reason Captain Kirk was Admiral Kirk for only one movie (actually, it was three -- but he only acted like an admiral in Wrath of Khan.)
7. Sometimes I do that -- though maybe "fear" is too strong a word. "Dislike" might fit better.
8. I get to "turn them into insights". Time to figure out how to turn them into projects.
9. Ken the personal brand, anyone?
10. I wonder if trying that in reverse works -- that is, give informational interviews?
11. Been there, doing that.
12. Inherit -- I have my dad's name and attitude.
13. Done. Except even that is in danger.
14. A variant of #1. No luck so far.
15. Will never happen.
16. That's fun but not productive.
17. I tell stories...now to get others to care.
18. Note to self -- it's time to try this tactic again.
19. No problem.
20. Ditto.
21. Same as self-promotion?
22. Never could pull that off except with my cat.
23. Probably do this too often.
24. Will do.
25. Hmmmm -- how can I portray myself as an injured party?
26. So far, that feeling lasts about six months.
27. I do that too often already.
28. That's the reason I play Star Wars: The Old Republic.
29. Don't have employees. I bet Steve didn't treat (Sir) Jon badly at all.
30. Aye, aye, skipper.
31. Sounds like fun.
32. Sounds too much like work.
33. That happens a lot.
34. Doesn't happen often enough for my taste.
35. I'm not going to dig that song back out of its' well-deserved grave.
36. I'm almost at Dark III as Imperial Agent on Star Wars: The Old Republic.
37. Owning a home is work enough for paying taxes.
38. Just re-registered my Jetta after "evading" ad valorem taxes for 3 years.
39. I do that a lot, especially in job postings.

Seeking Newness -- 2012.06.10

Applied for 1 job at EA.

The missus and I have been talking -- we're thinking about moving somewhere closer to the ocean, so we can go to a real beach every weekend if we like.

And it seems that if I'm going to have to take any old job -- and that's a likely outcome -- might as well change location. Screw the mortgage.

Applied for 4 jobs on Careerbuilder.

What Presidents Did Before They Became President

So Abe Lincoln was a vampire hunter...just the kind of story that will end up in the holy text of the world's next great religion.

Here's the boring version of Presidential work history.

Here are some ideas from the parallel universe --

Washington - Space Marine

Coolidge - Rock Star

Nixon - Gigolo

GW Bush - US President

Seeking Whatever (Myself?) -- 2012.06.08

I withdrew from the position for which I interviewed on Wednesday. Maybe I'm letting the process make me feel awkward. Maybe it's fear of failure, of being soft after 8 years in one place. Or fear of change.

One way or another, change is coming.

But I saw the look in my interviewer's eye and it scared me.

Other snafus emerged today. Pretty much blew everything off to play SWTOR. The sounds bled into a meeting that was probably pointless. Still it gave me some embarrassment.

Seeking Whatever -- 2012.06.07

Today marks the eighth anniversary of my employment at my company. So I sent a thank-you message to the guy whose blessing I had to secure to get the job. He also was the one who gave me my first Seth Godin book.

I don't think my career actually justified his blessing, I'm still a slacker -- writing this blog when I should be handling a bit of administrative craft.

The job for which I interviewed yesterday failed my gut check this morning. Have I become too fearful of change or hard work? Slackers aren't supposed to like hard work at all -- that's not true of me, I just don't like working hard EVERY DAY like some people think you should.

I also told the guy who sells me soda downstairs how sorry I felt for him because he has to show up EVERY DAY. Actually, just five days a week and he closes at 6pm or so, which is a great gig for a convenience store. But for me it sucks. Overcoming or accepting that fact of life will decide whether I can go out on my own or not.

The dude from the place that rejected me on Monday called. I think it was an accident -- butt-dialing I think the kids today call it. But it was nice to imagine him changing his mind. They know what they need, they need to go get it. And so do I.

Seeking New Challenge (or Whatever) -- 2012.06.06

D-day anniversary today. I've seen "Saving Private Ryan" easily a dozen times, and the opening scene an additional dozen. If any slice of time defined the saying, "Dying's easy, it's living that's hard.", it's June 6, 1944.

But I'll skip the war movie watching today if I can help it.

Will meet with a manager at my company today about a job he's looking to fill. Meant to wear my suit but had problems -- 1) My white shirt sat on a hanger so long it has brown streaks on the shoulders; 2) the blue shirt I wore for Monday's interview had sweat stains in the pits. Which surprised me a little because I had my car's AC turned up to "meatlocker" the entire trip.

So I skipped the suit and tie and wore a gold (or tan) shirt, blue slacks, black shoes, no tie.

Time to buy a sports jacket for times such as these when my suit strategy goes to hell.

But I've done some homework on my potential boss and what his group is doing, our competition in the space, etc.

James Altucher could call me his bitch. Been reading his stuff for hours a day for the past two weeks. So far, where I've been poking myself hasn't drawn much blood. Change could come any moment though.

Instead of a war movie, maybe I'll watch Alec Baldwin's scene in "Glengarry Glen Ross" instead. Just watched it. I forgot that Alan Arkin was in it.

My potential boss wore a tie today. Not so good. But he said he wasn't expecting the same from me. I asked if he'd hire me if I upgraded my wardrobe (Always Be Closing -- thank you Alec Baldwin.)

If I don't get the job, it's the fault of my white shirt that sat there and collected dust.


Also, applied to 1 job on Craigslist.

Seeking New Challenge -- 2012.06.05

Debriefed by the account manager about yesterday's interview. As a salve, I gave him the names of some people who might be more useful to his client. Also gave a heads-up to the people whose names I dropped. Hopefully they will still send Xmas cards.

Just kidding, they don't send Xmas cards to me. I wouldn't return the favor if they did.

Tomorrow I will go see someone who has a job posting in the company.

Aside -- for those who wish Obama would dump Biden and pick Hillary as veep --

#1 Rule for Dealing With Hillary -- always keep a meatshield between you and Hillary.

Seeking New Challenge -- 2012.06.04

On Friday my boss said she hoped I'd still be here when she returned from vacay. Looks like she'll get her wish.

My interview today failed. No major slip-ups, just unable to get the yes.

Seeking New Challenge -- 2012.06.02 and .03

I did not deliver yesterday's blog. Pity the poor reader.

Spent the morning dragging my "street racer" -- a '94 Jetta -- to the emissions station. It failed the last time about two weeks ago, so I spent last weekend replacing the catalytic converter.

Yesterday I began looking at selling my old "cat". How does one find the price of a used catalytic converter?

Thought I was going to fail the emissions test again, as the Jetta was blowing out pale orange smoke. And it had the palpable odor of hydrogen sulfide. But it passed -- needs a tune-up though.

I did apply to one job on Careerbuilder yesterday.

Today, my mind is already going in several directions -- I have an interview on Monday and that calls for a complete pick-over of the company's website.

Also reading James Altucher. My blog reads like a desert compared to him. But no matter, it's mostly therapy anyway.

Another direction -- call it desperation -- googling "weird jobs" today. Does it indicate reaching rock bottom? Cue "The Confessor"...

Seeking New Challenge -- 2012.06.01

Today is the first day I could leave payroll and collect severance.

My boss has setup a meeting to divvy up my job responsibilities. I already handed off a couple to various folks. But today I made a list. It takes a sentence over two pages, covering 12 items.

12 chores make a factotum.

My boss is already 25 minutes late, and this is after a resched. Should have been more troublesome as an employee, huh?

Looking at my company job board -- one of my saved job profiles is called "cheezburgerz in paradise" because I listed some of the Florida Keys as my preferred job locations. I bet anyone working in that area isn't going anywhere until they retire or assume room temperature.

But that's about the only positive quality our job board has. It's a piece of work from Taleo, and its' quirkiness is exceeded only by its' apparent popularity with large corporations -- Southern Company and some other big outfit use it too.

Quirky in that it doesn't allow "Open as new window" -- it takes you to Saved Searches -- but when you backspace (or click Back), it takes you back to job #1. As a memory aid, though, it's pretty decent.

Sometimes it says, "That job is no longer available." when you click through.

Taleo's quirkiness is NOT exceeded by its' power...

Speaking of quirky deadness, I wonder how a wake for my career would fly with my soon-to-be-erstwhile team?

New meeting time -- so I have a few minutes to navigate the quirkiness once more...

Applied for 1 job on Careerbuilder.