Finally, finally, found the time to read some the Church of the SubGenius. Could have used this ten years ago...
Once again, last night, I found myself reacting harshly to lengthy job application guantlets. So I wrote up a set of questions for hiring managers. I will send it to any job listing that demands an extraordinary amount of data from me before considering me for their "competitively compensated" "position".
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Application for Hiring Managers
I hope this application finds you well. You’re probably quite busy sorting through a stack of resumes looking for someone qualified and likeable. If it’s any consolation, a typical candidate reviews several hundred job postings before deciding to apply to a single one – unless they’re truly desperate.
Based on decades of personal experience, research, and listening to others, I’ve discovered a gap in the hiring process that this application should bridge. By now, your company knows quite a bit about me – name, address, phone number, work history, education background, credit score, maybe blood type. But I know very little about you.
Sure, I know your company or at least what your company wants me to know through your website. But what about you, the hiring manager -- what do you look for in a candidate?
Instead of waiting for the interview stage to determine if we can engage in a mutually beneficial exchange, we can save considerable time and effort if you will answer the following questions.
Please complete all questions – skipping questions leaves open the possibility that you’re hiding something.
1) The perfect candidate fits the following general profile:
a. Smart, ambitious, and hard-working – but not too smart or ambitious.
b. Compliant and focused on the task at hand – except when creativity and divergent thinking are needed, as determined by me.
c. Is bright, creative, iconoclastic, and productive – until they threaten my position and I have to fire them.
d. Is a total slacker – they are the bricks in the wall of my empire.
2) The perfect candidate has the following level of life experience:
a. Will believe anything, including the possibility of a bright future with my company.
b. Has been burned a few times by previous employers, is older and wiser, but still has hope.
c. Is a total burnout, whose hopes and dreams have been crushed beyond recognition.
d. Has a level of cynicism and political skill that would scare Josef Stalin.
3) The perfect candidate has the following level of experience relative to the job requirements:
a. Invented every technology upon which the job is based.
b. Has every listed skill and can execute them better than the previous candidate.
c. Has every listed skill and is willing to work for less than the previous candidate.
d. Does not have every listed skill but might be related to someone up my chain of command.
e. Does not have every listed skill but might be good in the sack.
4) If you answered either “a” or “b” to Question 3, why do you feel a candidate would accept a lateral transfer?
a. I answered “a”, “b” or “c” to Question 2.
b. They also lost their previous job.
5) Our vetting process finds the perfect candidate using the following techniques:
a. Voice stress analysis to determine truthfulness and level of enthusiasm.
b. A multi-phase process using “star chamber” gang interviews to break the candidate’s resolve and get a lower salary request.
c. Candidate must join hotornot.com – we let the internet decide.
d. Submission of blood, urine, hair, and stool samples. We also demand your Facebook password.
e. We Google your name.
f. Brain teasers – because Friday was the horse’s name, you stupid twit!
6) Our compensation package and work environment competes well with the following:
a. China.
b. India.
c. Prison.
d. A cemetery.
7) What is the make-or-break quality of the perfect candidate?
a. Their salary requirements.
b. Their salary requirements.
c. Their salary requirements.
d. Their salary requirements.
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