Index Prohibitorum

Whereas, while The Missus finds Squozzer a broad and deep source of happiness, she also has discovered a certain quirk in his makeup – he likes to find ways to annoy her -- over and over again.


When faced with a choice of saying something annoying for the umpteenth time or letting the moment pass in silence, he always chooses to annoy.


As a guide to his behavior, The Missus presents to Squozzer a list of his flaws and hopes he can dig beyond the familiar and either say something positively engaging or just STFU!


Songs – Squozzer likes to serenade The Missus, but certain songs she forbids from this moment hence:


1. Surfin’ Bird – the prohibition extends to the Family Guy episode that started your fixation.
2. The Snickers jingle that goes, “Happy peanuts soar, over chocolate-covered mountaintops, and waterfalls of caramel…”
3. Songs sung in German are verboten (esp. Rammstein), and songs in other non-English languages she strongly discourages.
4. Anything sung by William Shatner or Wesley Willis


The Visual Arts – Squozzer loves to entertain The Missus by using a variety of means – movie rentals, TV watching, re-creating scenes from famous movies – but The Missus finds his artistic vision a bit too dark, and he tends to repeat himself. No more will The Missus allow the following:


1. Shows that display cruelty to animals or predator / prey scenes.
2. Shows with sad or bad endings.
3. Shows that have or need subtitles.
4. Re-creating skits from Robot Chicken.
5. Declaring random people on TV as The Missus’s lover.
6. Capturing and looping shows, songs, or other content known to annoy or upset The Missus.
7. Commercials pose a special problem for The Missus, because they synchronize a little too closely with Squozzer’s attention span. Squozzer will not repeat the following commercials:
     a. The Snickers “Happy Peanuts”
     b. Anything with William Shatner, including Priceline
     c. The medication (Exelon) that goes, “Everything changed…”


Conversation – Squozzer and The Missus have many great discussions about life, love, the future, blahblahblah – but Squozzer often perverts the intent of language using a variety of tactics.


1. Squozzer should consider more constructive topics – from now on, he can no longer bring up the following:
     a. The pros and cons of having sex with his co-workers.
     b. The following people in any context:
          i. The Missus’s boss Rick
          ii. Santos, a former co-worker of The Missus’s
          iii. The Pope (don’t ask)
          iv. What Catholic clergy might have done to certain people
          v. Michael Jackson
          vi. Barack Hussein Obama
          vii. Sharia Law
          viii. Keanu Reeves
          ix. The Missus’s former lovers, e.g. Donnie and Fran
          x. Michael, a deadbeat who knocked up The Missus's daughter
     c. Countries where men can legally mistreat women.
     d. Vaginas and chainsaws in the same or adjacent sentences.
     e. Possible deadly or destructive outcomes from ordinary activities.
     f. Depraved alternative plots when discussing The Missus’s latest reading.
2. Squozzer responds reflexively to many situations by chanting from a small liturgy of one-liners. The Missus finds these and others annoying and offensive.
     a. “Spread bitch”
     b. “How about that?” or one of many variations
     c. “That’s what she said”
     d. “Now we make baby”
     e. “She / I / You love me long time”
     f. “That was your first big mistake”
     g. “GIT!”
     h. “Feel free to lick my unwiped butt”
3. Impersonation -- The Missus wishes Squozzer would express his true self more instead of attempting to mold his personality after a TV or movie character. She presents the following as a memoriam damnatus:
     a. William Shatner
     b. Keanu Reeves
     c. Michael Jackson
     d. Sylvester Stallone, esp. as Rocky
     e. Arnold Schwarzeneggar
     f. Pinhead from Hellraiser
     g. Patrick from Sponge Bob
     h. 20s gangster
     i. Chinese kung-fu masters
4. Tactics of Persuasion -- Squozzer likes to use his powers of persuasion to influence The Missus’s behavior, which in itself does not threaten The Missus, but she will no longer tolerate the following tactics:
     a. Threatening to shave his beard
     b. Using hypotheticals to disclose actions taken or under consideration
     c. Threatening to withhold sex
     d. Demanding payment or begging for sex
     e. Using reductio ad absurdum, straw-man, or ad hominem
     f. Mocking or impersonating The Missus
5. Body Language, Non-verbal Cues, and Miscellaneous Acts – The Missus accepts most of Squozzer’s rudeness, and finds some of it charming in small doses. But the following may possibly trigger violent reactions:
     a. Snapping fingers
     b. Clapping hands as if Squozzer were summoning a servant
     c. Taking a tone of condescension
     d. The French Wave
     e. Using a megaphone or other voice amplifier
     f. Using bright lights such as powerful flashlights or light bars
     g. Turning on all of the bedroom lights at 7am.
     h. Pointing and grunting
     i. Sneaking up and scaring
     j. Tickling
     k. Fanning farts / Dutch Ovens
     l. Performing death rattles, aka “quirky jerky”
    m. Staring at The Missus’s feet, especially with a predatory expression


Animals – The Missus knows Squozzer loves the sweet animals that live in and around his house – but how he shows his love probably confuses the animals so from now on:


1. No teasing the animals by pretending to offer them food then snatching it away.
2. Do not chase the animals in a way that makes them think they’re being hunted.


Chinese Food – Given Squozzer’s imagination as to the source of the meat, from henceforth: SQUOZZER SHALL NOT SPEAK WHILE ANYONE EATS CHINESE FOOD WITHIN RANGE OF HIS VOICE.


The Highest Law – SQUOZZER SHALL REMOVE ALL CLOTHING AT THE MISSUS’S REQUEST, REGARDLESS OF THE CIRCUMSTANCES.